jocelyn vye

Mommy groomed Me
from crib to bib
to toddles and tantrums
Her favoritest kid

she wanted a daughter
she had only sons
plucked from the litter
Her prettiest one
she raised Me for slaughter
image and spit
bedazzled my collar
dripped rancid milk sips

we had no food
she shoveled Me words
like
Cutie
and
Beautiful
Pretty
I yearned
I starved
all along
for Love
just for Her

one bed to another
she bounced early on
til an apartment
til the eviction
til Her convictions
round being a Mom
crumbled for Crack
and so she went back
to the Man she had Loved
all along

there was a Me-lengthed mirror
next to my cot
the day we were dropped
to that Man’s Dad’s lot
to squat
in squalor
many mirrors
some small
some taller
every wall
or clung to the doors
and a big monstrous mirror
upstairs in the hall
where that Man’s Dad snored

she fixed one afront my watchful gaze
eyes on Mommy
dancing down malaise
reflecting back a likeness
cutting smoke and haze
of who I was destined
to be

she held Her dress to my chin
so I could see as she winked
my big brown eyes
popping in pink
she kneaded my nape

I just needed
so much more
all along

she slept for days
and days
until she sprang
and then
she was gone

off to some guy’s bed
or other
leaving us
Me and my
brothers
to fuck
for fun
for weed
for Crack
for Her
then back
for sleep for days
and days

between the days and days
and fucks and fucks
she tickled my tummy
and spooned Me word treats
hissed past fangs
and endless smoke
Gorgeous
Gifted
complete

never
more

she swooned over
my rosy cheeks
my thick brown mane
my fluffy lashes
my strapping frame
my firm full butt
my perfect teeth
she hated Her teeth
she hated Her smile
that smile I craved
above all

Mommy fluttered
round the hovel
Maria! Farfalla!
whenever she emerged
from a bed
even Hers
in lingerie
she bounded
sparkly shiny silky lacy
or barely
there at all

she bounced
as any Mother may
round we three
my brothers
and Me
grubby paws
squeaky souls
so new
until we weren’t
and on she bounced unbound

she bore so much
bouncy bouncy bouncy
We would have named you Lauren
bouncy bounce
My Pretty Son
squeaky squeak
Special One
mouthy treats
just enough
never enough
I needed
so much more

we five shared the basement
Mommy and Me
the other three
my brothers
and a Man she had Loved
all along

they fucked every night
all morning
coitus reservatus
bouncy bouncy bouncy
a few feet from we three
atop our found
shared mattress
on the floor
we’d improved our lot
No more cots!
squeaky squeaky squeak
grubby paws
flicking floating flowers
aloft putrid puddles
sewage seeping neath
the basement door
we passed the endless hours
at night
all along
soaking up flood scum
while Mommy moaned
awash in moonlight
near our blanketless bed
breathing in the acrid fumes
of Crack wafting
cross the open room

they’d pause
from time to time
for air
for the toilet
long breaks
in there
with their lighters
their spoons
their foil

too young to be privy
we weren’t permitted
to skip to that loo
under any condition
so many conditions
we tip-toed our bladders
up the dark stairs
where we flushed instead
near that Man’s Dad’s bed
where the monstrous mirror
projected back
my waning visage
when I couldn’t hold it
when I needed to piss
when I couldn’t sleep
through the fucking
and fucking

I never slept
still don’t
I heard it all
still do

it made this sound
we absorbed from the ground
not the rhythmic slap
of flesh smacking flesh
nor the primal groans
so loud
so high
both of them
Mom, are you okay?
big brother tried
just once
after so many nights
and all mornings
Mommy’s fine. Go back to sleep.
squeaky squeak
we never could
no breaks

it made this sound
we endured from the ground
confounding so loud
tween
guttural chortles
maniacal cackles
spoonfuls and crackles
after
You want me to jerk you off all night?
and
Cum inside me, baby, it’s tight.

this sound
like a plunger
inexplicable
suction cupped to my mind
inextricable
sustained squelch
a cavernous belch
despicable

Spoiiiiiiiiiiiik

we still giggle over it
my brothers
and Me
banded hands
unsqueaked
that shared unwaning reflection
so many reflections stored
all along

after the spoiking
they fucked all along
they fucked the sun up
they fucked until dawn
until she sprang
and sloshed all about
the pools round our box spring
pale ass cheeks rippling
doused in post coital glistening

my watchful gaze
I saw it all
every night
every morn
reflected back
she saw Me too
all along

she felt my stare
past fluffy lashes
pressed to Her figure
pale and bare
between orgasms
pirouettes
round our sopping nest
round my carousel head
every night
all waking hours
round and round
and round and
round and bouncy
bouncy
bounce

it wasn’t enough
to know I was listening
boundless squeaks every bounce
each utterance explicit
it wasn’t enough
to know I was sniffing
sweat drenched flesh every ounce
sucking gases illicit
it wasn’t enough
to know I was watching
big brown eyes wide
ducts discharged and dripping
it wasn’t enough
to know I was starving
rumbling sated with tickles and plaudits
it wasn’t enough
to know I was headsick
burning brain hummed and numbed
jostled jumbled and spun
it wasn’t enough

she just needed
much more
of the kid on the floor
Her prettiest son
Special One
so much more
than the cheeks than the mane than the lashes than the frame than the butt than the teeth
more than worship
more than doting upon
something there tween
my thighs
the ultimate prize
of the work she had done
all along

it wasn’t the crux
it wasn’t the catalyst
it wasn’t a climax
denouement if exact
my head was all spent
brain already bent
the night she crept up
to fuck
me

All along
she said things that made Me think
so many thinky things
points prescribed
served up to Me
systematically
stuffed twixt my mouthy treats

my tiny brain mirror
warped
shattered
reshaped
every night
all morning
each day
reservatus identitas

spoonfuls mouthfuls
never enough

shame fueled bouts of doubt of perfection or bust of broken bonds mingled Love and Lust and Special Ones and destinies and poor kid things and hands and knees and begging just for once See Me Please just for hugs and who the fuck to trust and nothing’s given and nothing’s sacred and nothing’s yours unless it’s taken insides burning and don’t give ups.

.don’t you dare give up.

you simply must
be more

great grades
honor roll
t&g
safety patrol
field day king
dance & sing
football
baseball
plays
chorus
praise
more
trophies
books
I read and wrote
teacher’s pet
and flute
and poems
spelling bees
endless smoke
and mirrors
more
don’t give up
more
I didn’t know
I did it all
I did so much

for treats
for hugs
for Love
for Her
I just Loved Her
so much
all along

puberty and pudge
dry corn flakes
just a cup
once a day
just enough

bounce bounce
bounce bounce
bounce bounce bounce

we weighed in together
Mommy and Me
when she was around
I beamed from the scale
tiny thing
so proud
I wasn’t that heavy when I was your age
so ashamed
too much
half a cup
not enough

workout bulimia
scant self esteem
and a mother who engineered
all of my dreams
to serve her in fleeting
retreats when she’d be
in the house and not out on the streets
unhinging her mouth
unsnapping a blouse
that she’d held to my face
a few days before
on a rare occasion
she stumbled through our door

until I closed it
for once
and for all
for Me
Addio Maria!

fifteen years
of that spoiking sound
of endless nights awake on the ground
having learned
so little so much
about Love
about Lust
all along

it’s taken so much
unriddling
unraveling
restoring
reshaping
for treats
for Me
to find Me
so many Mes

here I am
in your home or afar
whatever we are
mind not the scars
leave fractured the shards
of a Cracked looking glass
I never asked for

look here
past the kid on the floor
past the fluffy eyelashes
past the trophies and scores
past the tiny wrist slashes
past the Man that I wore
past the more and the more and the more and the more

look here
See Me Please
upright from both feet
I’m waxing in full
My image Me
all along